tortured.

i'd rather be lying there
i'd rather be strapped
with chains and things
lain across my lap
i'd rather be half alive
on the conveyor belt
pendalum lowering
the most numb, ive ever felt
i'd rather be sitting
strapped to that chair
with a blindfold on
and a cap on my hair
i'd rather be in a machine
each limb in a different direction
tearing...and ripping
glance at my reflection
my face is bloody
no more tears in my eye
i am too broken
to even cry
i'd rather lie here
on my death bed
barely alive, than
believe what you said
i'd rather my head be
smashed into the ground
than let you for one more second,
put me down.

catch me.

the more i try
the harder i fall
wings spread out
exposing it all
i'm falling but
no ones there
at the bottom where
ground meets air
no ones there
with arms open wide
no one willing to help
to stand by my side
and i'm falling
and i'm yelling
you say it will
but time isnt telling
im screaming from
the pit of my womb
carve..."she bled for you"
on the front of my tomb

bleed.

the ocean isnt even
long enough or wide
enough for me to drown
enough for me to hide
this feeling i have
this overwhelming fear
thats ringing so loud
from ear to ear
this tendancy i have
of fucking up everything
and i'm afraid this time
it wont mean a thing
the sky isnt even
high enough or deep
to put my mind at ease
enough for me to sleep
but this worry
and fear subside
when i'm laying there
by your side
you keep me alive
you keep me strong
i'm just afraid that you
and i...dont belong.

three.

Today has been painful
The past is unkind
I woke up this morning
Broken, to find
My arms are still empty
But my memories are strong
Everyday I believe more and more
You and I…we belong

Last night was agonizing
And today I’m sore
From the emotional wearing
This bearing, it tore
A hole in my soul
I’m bitter and broken
Replaying again the
Three words left spoken

I’ve searched everywhere
Only… to find
None other has captured
So much of my mind
This hold you have
Apprehended my heart
Is strong enough to keep
Us from falling apart

fell.

my last three words
silently linger
hold onto my lips
slips from my finger
they began to fade out
too soon to tell
they burst into flame
creating this hell
this bliss and your kiss
bounce around in my head
this kiss, this wish
forget what you said
words roll off my tongue
on my cheek, parallell
to the tears from my eyes
racing, they both fell
with nothing to fall on
no cushion beneath
no hand left to hold
no one to bequeath
these tears and these words
silently linger
let go of my lips
slips off of my finger

i'm a fucking idiot.

you, are tearing
me apart
once again you
break my heart
how many times
do i have to fail
before i see
i'm just a snail
carrying a house
upon my back
you walk beside
cursing my shack
you wont help me
bear this home
id be better off if
i walked alone
how many times
must i do that
before i see
i'm just a rat
running this wheel
you've placed in here
lost in this maze
the end, unclear
will you leave me
to run carefree?
and stay lost forever
in this maze you've built for me?
this maze is your heart
i cannot find the end
and i'm running into walls
and i do not comprehend
why wont you help
just this one time
just knock down these walls
and say you'll be mine
why cant you let
this snail rest for now
and stop this rat from
running around
set me free
by saying those words
i love you is all
that need be heard
i know you'd mean it
i know you do
theres just one thing
that thing is you
you're the only one
who can tear down this wall
and open my heart again...
...and save me from this fall
but you're the only one
who can break it again
by using my heart
tell her i'm just a friend
why cant it all
just be like last year
when no hearts had been broken
no eyes shed a tear
when we walked hand in hand
down those streets
barefoot, wet concrete
under our feet
a picnic in the park
where you told me
and swore that you
were all i need
what happened to that
and why cant i have it once more?
give me my wishes and dreams
if they dont come true, what are they for?
i just want you
to feel and to see
how i feel about you
how do you feel about me?

on my own.

this is how the story goes.
this is how life was dealt.
i fucked up my love life.
lower than i've ever felt.
you were standing there,
arms as wide open as can be.
and i let myself open up to you.
and i showed you the real me.
you walked in when he walked out.
i poured my heart out to you.
and i was foolish enough to think,
this would work out how i want it to.
that for once in my life...once in my life,
i finally wouldnt be let down
but i guess i was very wrong.
submerged...screaming, let me drown.
i dont trust the hand you offer
you'll probably pull away anyhow
i had troubles trusting before this
i cannot trust anyone now.
so i guess happiness isnt meant
for every person...at least not for me
i am on my own now and i scream
to slowly fade, disappear, cease to be
that i could hide in the shadows
and never be found, ever be sighted
maybe on my own, in the darkness
my hopes and dreams would be reunited
but this is probably just me...
getting my hopes up once more
thats a tendancy of mine...
but this time...
i've learned from before.

walked on.

i'm sick of feeling walked all over
as if i'm nothing more than your bitch
i wont always be sitting here
to scratch that urge when you itch
i wont be your personal floor mat
i WILL slip out from under your feet
and i wont be there to wipe them on
after the rain...the snow...the sleet
i am so fucking sick of being your dog
i wont be there for you to walk on
you'll want to kick me around
but that day...i'll be long gone.
i'll be long gone baby, and someday...someone
will respect me, appreciate me, bitch, i'm all that
and i deserve every bit of that...i'm strong
and if i dont get it..i'll walk out in the tip of a hat
i am so fed up. i am so beat down.
and i cannot wait until the day you see
everything you left behind....
bitch, you left ME.

umbrella.

after all you've done
after all you've said
after all i've thought
you wished me dead
after all the words
after all the pain
i'm a beaten umbrella
in this pouring rain
my soul is finally calm
smooth, glassy, placid
the rain beating down
is purely made of acid
but i've kept it up...
my umbrella, for you
after all this hell
all you've put me through
i'm still trying to cover you
with what little remains
thats all i've wanted to do
cover you when it rains
and i'm trying and trying
but you just keep fighting
i just want to protect you
from the thunder and lightning
give in to my protection
give in because this will be
over your head...covering you
no matter what you do to me
please stop fighting it
its for your own good
sure, try the golashes
try putting up your hood
none will cover you
with the comfort and love
as my umbrella does
and will always sit above
your precious head
i'll give all i have if need be
to cover you from this
because i love you...
love,
me.

fuck you.

you shed a single tear
and i wiped it from your face
back in familiar arms
in a quite familiar place
you're breathing on my neck
then you whisper in my ear
what ive been so patiently
waiting, dying...to hear
but how could i be so stupid
to believe you when you said
that you miss me, really miss me
it all makes me scratch my head
does he mean it?
is he just messing with me again?
does he ACTUALLY LOVE ME!?
or just love me like a friend?
do i really take the words he says
seriously? or let them go...
because he says a lot of things....
mostly just 'i dont know'
he says hes figuring it out
but im really just beginning to think
that he enjoys breaking me down
actually likes pushing me to the brink
the edge of existence
where i make a choice
do i live my fucking life
or do i listen to his voice?
should i walk those few small steps
to my long belated death?
do i let his piercing words
take my final breath?
i'm past the point of no return
to where theres no looking back
to the point where my eyes stay open
but my sight turns black
you cut this hole in my heart
with your knife formed by fear
seeping with feelings of nothingness
because you faked that single tear.

now.

days like now
i finally see
the person
that i want to be
a future for
myself is shown
but i am still
living the unknown
every second
surprise lingers
on the end of my nose
the tips of my fingers
days like now
i'm happy because
i can honestly say
im not who i was
im different
im new
i'm me
you're you
life's coming
coming fast
i'm over this
i'm past the past
i'm growing
i'm learning
this longing
this yearning
i'm hoping
someday soon
i'll be the sun
highest at noon
i'll watch over
people and life
i'll be a mother
a sister, a worker, a wife
days like now
i get happy again
i can see theres a future
i can see to the end
its alright if
it doesnt go
the way i want
see....or know
i will be happy
with what i do
no matter how
where or with who
days like now
are when i smile
and hope and dream
ill stay this way for a while
and im thankful
to you and to you
for being with me
for helping me through.
days like now...
today is now.

(pun intended)

if i could change the world
i wouldnt change humanity
i would make things like they were
and once again, you'd be with me
if i could change the world
i would turn back time
and i wouldnt have ever said
that sorrowful goodbye
if i could change the world
i would start with you and me
i would bring us back to life
but i cannot change it, you see
i cannot change the world
and i cannot change your mind
i cannot persuade your thoughts
i can only give you time
i cannot change the world
but i can surely wait
and see how the world turns
and hope its not too late.

sea.

im so sick of hearing
people tell me
that there are more
fish in the sea
because i dont care
about the other fish
i just want YOU
that's all i wish
sure i could catch
another fish out there
but you're all i want
i dont even care
that i may never have
another chance with you
i'll still love you, brandon
i dont know what to do
i dont know how to drown
this annoying ring in my ear
there arent any fish in the sea
that know me like you, dear
i miss you and i love you
and i so fucking wish
that i could catch you again
you're the only fish
that catches my eye
that stands out to me
and im sorry i feel this
i just wish you could see
how much i still love you
i'd give anything to be
that one fish standing out
for you...in your sea.

just friends.

you take my heart
and you love it so deep
you make room in your bed
and i crawl down to sleep
you brush my hair
from my green eyes
i give you my heart
thats why im surprised
you just want to be friends?
i dont know what to say
just friends. thats all?
do you know what its like everyday?
you hold my hand
dance with me in the rain
and now...JUST FRIENDS?
are you fucking insane?!
i poured my life
into your hands
i drop that dime
to see where it lands
you drove me out
to our place in the park
it was so precious
holding you in the dark
kissing your lips
by the light of the moon
just be friends...
has been said too soon
i cant just be your friend
when im still so in love
remember in florida?
in the water, you held me above...
but now i'll bet
you'd let me drown.
just fucking friends.
...really puts me down
my soul, my entire self
i have given to YOU
and look where we are now
just friends, is it true?
can you really be serious?
JUST FRIENDS, come on.
i know you have her now
i know you've moved on
but seriously. FUCKING SERIOUSLY.
im thinking JUST FRIENDS
is becoming harder than
just saying its the end.

nothing.

a few simple words
have so much power
i woke up last night
every hour, on the hour
your face in my mind
your voice in my head
i lie wide awake
depressed, in my bed
how can YOU
have this effect on me?
how can i still love you
after everything?
after you said those things
after you moved on
after i thought i convinced myself
that you're really gone
i dont even know
i really dont see
how i can still love you
after you did that to me
why do i care so much?
why do i still feel this?
where do i go from here?
what is it about you that i miss?
why are you so addicting?
why do i act like nothings wrong
like i'm happy for you two
i've faked it for so long
"i'm happy for you"
its a load of shit
i'm sorry to say
but dont believe it.
and i'm so fed up
with not being over you
i keep trying so hard
i dont know what else to do
so if anyone at all
has a bit of advice
for me to get over him
that would be reeeeally nice.

bastard.

its days like today
i sit here and cry
everyone walks by
but no one asks why
let me tell you the reason
that i sit here so low
the thoughts rush through me
and i just dont know
last night, was amazing
but today...its not like that
because nights like those
bring thoughts up to bat
thoughts of reality
and thoughts of pain
and days like today
i lie in the rain
im sleeping in this puddle
and no one seems to mind
because they've seen me here
time after time
my heart is a pile of putty
your footprints stay set
its strung out, smashed down
but i want to let
someone remold it and try
to make it into a gem
but i'm just afraid this putty
will always belong to him
its his fucking putty
he knows he can throw me out
he knows he can smash me down
he knows what he does no doubt
and i want so bad to give
this putty to someone besides he
i want my putty back
this heart belongs to me
and i want the free will
to give it to the man i please
but im still afraid every word he says
brings me to my knees
i dont know what to do
i just want to run away
times like this
on days like today